Making the decision to move out… just me and my boy,
… BY OURSELVES
…WITH NO CONTINGENCY PLAN
…BEING TOLD IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE, STUPID, UNREALISTIC, etc.
was FAR from easy.
These days, my “best” move was probably to stay at my mom’s home and save up money in preparation for better opportunities in the future, or even worse, wait until I found a partner that I could live with and help support me and my son.
I wasn’t interested in either of those scenarios.
But never would I have ever thought, IN A MILLION, GAZILLION YEARS, that a year after he was born, we’d be having not one, but TWO celebrations at the same time: his first birthday and a housewarming!
While at my mom’s home, the blissful moments, in the beginning, was something that I’d do over and over again. I’m sure my family would agree. We all, naturally, adored our new addition to the family.
But something wasn’t quite right – the rainbows and sunshine didn’t last forever.
I love you FAM, but you were holding me back
I made a big, life-changing decision, and my responsibilities absolutely went up a notch; but BOY did my family have a lot of opinions on what I should be doing with my life.
While I appreciated their role in helping me out, I also appreciated their subsequent ‘harsh criticisms’ and high expectations. You know why? Because it pushed me to grow.
Just not in the way you think.
It actually encouraged me to be firm in the decisions I made for my son and I, by not allowing anyone to sway me in the direction they felt was right for me.
I learned not to allow anyone to make me feel disempowered to make my own decisions; nope, not even family.
I may not have made many wise life decisions leading up to that point (i.e. the fun I chose to have that led me to have a baby before I was ready), BUT give me a break.
The most liberating feeling ever was when I realized and embraced that I am NOT defined by my past mistakes.
Most importantly, I learned that while I felt like my family had held me to a low standard that I had outgrown, my feelings had nothing to do with them!
The way I [learned to] see it, they just mirrored back to me exactly what I needed to see, hear, feel and experience in order to step into a newer and better version of myself.
I had to come to terms with the fact that at some level, I felt disempowered to make my own decisions, not because of the things my family said or did, but admittedly because I personally had to learn how to let go of the mistakes I made… I had to forgive myself.
So, not only was this liberating for me – BUT I HAD LIBERATED THEM. I no longer hold them responsible for the way I feel. I just figured – it’s time for me to move to a new apartment!
And there was not a damn thing anyone could say that would ever make me change my mind.
And here ladies & gents, is how I moved…
I got very, very clear on my “why.”
Our “why” is what drives us.
It’s what motivated me to make every single decision that preceded me signing my very first lease to me and my son’s apartment.
At that time, my “why” was: space. It was extremely limited as I co-slept with my son in the tiniest room on a small, twin sized bed. My walk-in closet sized room was too small for me before, so imagine now with a son.
There were clothes, diapers, and toys everywhere. I tried my best to keep my room organized, and most days were spent organizing so that I could at least see the floor. The lack of space made the air feel congested, which made me very concerned for my son’s wellbeing.
This was my “why.” I needed space and expansion. I also knew that the clutter would have negative effects on us. I’m a how-can-I-improve-the-feng-shui-of-my-apartment kinda gal, and it was all the way off.
To top this off, I felt like an EAGLE, sitting on top of a tiny birds nest on top of an extremely high tree, looking down and being afraid. Yet, I couldn’t spread my wings and fly because I didn’t feel empowered enough to make my own decisions, it was paralyzing. It was until I realized that I had the power to change that, that I finally made up my mind to leave.
Besides, my son needed to know who was the head of the household ;).
About 3 months later, I signed the lease to my very first apartment.
Believe moving to a new apartment is ACTUALLY possible
THIS. I REALLY cannot emphasize this enough. What would be the point of clarifying your “why,” if you didn’t believe your needs could be met? I live near New York City. Demand is high, and supply is low; it’s expensive.
But my mentality has truly, truly, been the source of my actual riches. I silently knew (that I knew that I knew) that somehow… SOMEHOW, a way would be made. This is not a mindset that grew overnight. This is years of really working on myself to make sure that my thoughts stem from the very belief system that I am worthy. This closely ties into my next point…
My beliefs were backed up by ACTIVE faith
Believing it could happen and having faith is all well and good. But I’m not referring to that wishin’ and hopin’ and prayin’ and dreamin’ type of faith. I’m talking about the type of faith that is demonstrated straight through my words and actions.
I went window shopping
Months in advance. And when I did, I didn’t think: “oh man, I don’t think I can afford this!” I didn’t cringe and think it was impossible.
I kid you not, I was working part-time making a little bit over minimum wage when I began doing this. My logical mind could have easily thought this was impossible, but my mind isn’t wired that way! I simply trusted that it was possible.
The time is NOW
Everything that I was looking forward to doing once I had my apartment, I began to do them now (at the time, haha). I was looking forward to having my own kitchen to cook, I was looking forward to having my own bathroom where I could have my beauty routine, and I was looking forward to having an organized home.
I didn’t wait to move out to be able to do these things, I simply did them now. This includes the hard stuff like paying rent, being disciplined with my finances, etc.
I do believe there’s a certain magic behind this because instead of limiting myself to think that I could only do something when x, y, and z happen, I chose to do it anyways, now. I also did it with joy and gratitude, knowing that someday I’ll have my own place to do it. What you appreciate, appreciates.
I put myself in my desired feeling state
I constantly asked myself “how am I going to feel when I have my own apartment?” and would strive to put myself in that feeling state. All of the qualities that I wanted to feel, I would simply feel.
I felt myself expanding, being independent, and gracefully handling all of my responsibilities. I felt myself being exactly who I wanted to be.
By doing this, I put myself in a position to 1) BE those things through my actions, and 2) become aware of the times where I had the opportunity to act on it.
Last but not least: prayer.
Prayer is super important to me. I was not trying to go through a “be careful what you wish for” epiphany after it all. For one, I wanted to make sure that my heart was right and that my intentions were pure. If my intentions for wanting to move out did not come from a pure heart, I want nothing to do with it.
I had to do a lot of soul searching on this one, and I would constantly ask myself, why do I want to move out? Am I trying to impress someone? Am I trying to prove to others that “I can do bad all by myself?” I needed to get my mind right, and prayer helped me with that.
Did I want a lifestyle that appears nice from the outside? Not so much. I ain’t trying to prove anything to anybody, my sincere desire was to provide a comfortable lifestyle for my son and me.
Guess what? Sometimes, after all your conscious efforts to attracting different experiences and opportunities, nothing happens. None. And that’s okay.
One thing I NEVER did was insist that anything needed to happen according to the way I thought it should.
HECK, I realized that usually change really does happen, because my reaction has changed, my inner world has changed. Suddenly, I’m looking at the world through a completely different lens.
Last Thoughts: Practicality vs. Whimsicality
So, I threw in a lot of woo-woo in here and not a lot of practical tips (i.e. getting a salary job, how to search for an apartment, etc.). Moving out on your own is clearly a very big decision to make and the practical details need to be solid, here’s an article for some ideas on that.
But I also vouch for moving through life with clarity, intent, and with a clear purpose. Before making a big, life-altering decision, a little soul-searching won’t hurt. Sometimes, people just need to remove that psychological block that’s preventing them from making important and much-needed changes in their lives.
I overcame the fear of not feeling ready, fear that my car would suddenly break down and I had no way of getting to work, fear that I couldn’t handle all my responsibilities, fear that I would lose my job, etc, etc. But, I felt a strong tug in this direction and I knew that this was the right move to make. I was burning all bridges to thinking that I could slack off and I took my leap of faith. I was ready to let go of the “old me” and embrace the new, independent, expansive, and responsible version of myself ;). And so I did.
- Do you want to move out? Get clear on your “why,” and get ready to take action.
- What’s the end goal? Who do you need to step into, in order to be that person that has already moved out? Then take action.
- Be open to different possibilities. You may find opportunities you didn’t even think possible. My opinion? No need to get bogged down by what’s a “realistic” option, if it really only serves as a limitation.
What’s your “why?” What are some things you can do RIGHT NOW to making necessary changes in your life? Let us know in the comments below.